Ass Burger with Cheese
January 11th, 2008
There is this thing that I do when I am exposed to social interaction. Eric calls it the Bill Gate’s Rock. Essentially, I rock back and forth in my seat and I don’t even realize that I’m doing it. One night when my family was visiting, I was sitting on the coffee table and talking to my sister when Eric interrupted, “Hey Lauren, do you like Microsoft?” I immediately stopped rocking and stared at him, dumbfounded.
Me: Wha-huh?
Eric: You must really like Microsoft because you’re doing the Bill Gate’s Rock again!
My Mom: I don’t see anything unusual. She’s always been like this!
Oh, the humility.
Eric always says, “It’s okay, I’m an ass burger too.” Apparently, he and I both exhibit symptoms of Asperger Syndrome. As I studied the Wikipedia article, focusing on the section that outlines the characteristics of individuals affected by Asperger Syndrome, I realized that I was highlighting nearly every paragraph. To elaborate:
“Symptoms may include a failure to develop friendships or enjoy spontaneous interests or achievements with others, lack of demonstrated empathy, and impaired non-verbal behaviors such as eye contact, facial expression, posture and gesture.”
I refuse to return phone calls, I consider friendship to be frivolous, and I exhibit awkward posture and gait, often appearing uncomfortable in my own skin.
“They approach others, even if awkwardly, for example by engaging in a one-sided, long-winded speech about an unusual topic while being oblivious to the listener’s feelings or reactions, such as signs of boredom or wanting to leave.”
Eric would say that I don’t talk enough, but I find it difficult to stop talking once I start. I once was told that people are capable of talking for hours about a specific subject if they are passionate about it. This is true. If anybody mentions maps, for example, or Mexico, I will tell you everything that I know about it. Perhaps it is a way for me to prove, “Hey! I know stuff!”
“This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people’s feelings, and may come across as insensitive.”
My mom used to tell me that people thought that I didn’t like them because I would not actively pursue conversation, instead sitting alone with my arms crossed, avoiding eye contact. Really, I was just shy and didn’t have enough self confidence to interact with other people.
“Childhood desires for companionship can be numbed through a history of failed social encounters.”
I had some bossy friends when I was younger. Does that count? And I was an only child until I was eight years old, so that probably made me a little weird.
“They may show inflexible adherence to routines or rituals, move in stereotyped and repetitive ways, or preoccupy themselves with parts of objects.”
So, there is that whole rocking back and forth thing, but I also cannot resist clicking the end of a clicky pen. Seriously, I annoy myself.
“Pursuit of specific and narrow areas of interest is one of the most striking features of AS. Individuals with AS may collect volumes of detailed information on a relatively narrow topic such as dinosaurs or deep fat fryers, without necessarily having genuine understanding of the broader topic.”
Earlier this year, just before Queen Elizabeth visited my city, I wondered how much political influence she retained. I became intrigued with her life after reading just the first paragraphs of her Wikipedia article and spent the entire weekend learning about her. I was so obsessed that I used a safety pin to fasten a blanket around my neck like a cape and proclaimed to Eric that I was the Queen of England. Not. Normal.
As another example, I have become obsessed with aviation accidents during the past few weeks. I obtained data from the National Transportation Safety Board of every aviation accident with fatalities since 1962 and intend to make a map of the data.
“Abnormalities include verbosity; abrupt transitions; literal interpretations and miscomprehension of nuance; use of metaphor meaningful only to the speaker; auditory perception deficits; unusually pedantic, formal or idiosyncratic speech; and oddities in loudness, pitch, intonation, prosody, and rhythm.”
I attempt to speak and write in a formulaic manner, often sacrificing clarity for grammatical correctness. I am a natural editor.
Have you ever seen the episode of Scrubs where the Janitor goes to Career Day and pretends that he is Dr. Jan Itor? Here:
Well, me? I am Mrs. Ed Itor.
“Individuals with AS appear to have particular weaknesses in areas of nonliteral language that include humor, irony, and teasing.”
I don’t understand metaphors or sarcasm and wish that Eric would start carrying a sarcasm sign like Leonard in The Big Bang Theory.
“They may be poorly coordinated, or have an odd or bouncy gait or posture, poor handwriting, or problems with visual-motor integration, visual-perceptual skills, and conceptual learning. They may show problems with proprioception (sensation of body position) on measures of apraxia (motor planning disorder), balance, tandem gait, and finger-thumb apposition.”
Regardless of how slow I write, my handwriting is always too sloppy for my satisfaction. When I was in school, I would spend hours rewriting notes just because a “t” was crossed crooked or because one letter touched another. As for balance, coordination, and perception… I walk into furniture or door jambs at least once a week.
“They may be unusually sensitive or insensitive to sound, light, touch, texture, taste, smell, pain, temperature, and other stimuli.”
I have an intimacy problem and couldn’t even hug my own mother for a few years. I’m okay now, though.
On the bright side, “(While) the deficits associated with AS may be debilitating, many individuals are able to excel, especially in areas that are less dependent on social interaction, including mathematics, music, and computer sciences.”
I went to math camp when I was in middle school and enrolled as a mathematics major when I began college, I took piano lessons when I was in elementary school and played the flute when I was in middle school and high school, even participating in marching band, and I am returning to college next month to pursue a second baccalaureate degree in computer science. (with a minor in mathematics)
It should be noted that Asperger Syndrome is not a disability, it is a difference. I like the way I am.
